Sports Guano

Kansas City sports are an interesting rub. We have two major sporting teams here and one kind of major sporting team. We have the Royals and the Chiefs, but you could sort of apply the Law of Relativity to the success of these teams.  When one is good, the other is bad.  Recently, however, you could apply the Law of Suck, which means, literally, that they can both suck simultaneously.

Our third team is a major league soccer team, which until recently was called the Wizards, which was an actual upgrade from their original name “The Wiz.”  Recently, the marketing geniuses of this team have renamed them again. Now they are know as Sporting Kansas City.

The goal here (no pun intended) is to make sure the rest of the free world can decipher the team name as referring to:

a) A gun club

b) A hunting club

c) ?

The only good thing is they are building a really cool stadium to house this club, complete with luxury boxes, gourmet food, plenty of parking, and an archery range.

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Kansas City Needs More Retail

Driving around Kansas City, you see all of these little retail villages start to pop up. You know the ones, where a developer takes a plot of farmland with the topography of a saltine and turns it into a new Main Street that looks like it was built by theater students at UMKC. These endearing new old towns are trying to recreate the feeling of days gone by, where Ma and Pa loaded up the wagon and moseyed into town to buy flour at the general store. While they were there they could pick up some feed for the chickens and mail a letter back to the East.

The juxtaposition is rich, since suburbanites fled the cities years ago to escape the congestion and chaos of the city, only to create years later the very thing they escaped in the first place.  It feeds into the identity crisis that Kansas Citians have faced their whole lives. We want to be a big city but we like the small town feel except we need to “feel” bigger than we are because we have low city esteem.

Meanwhile, you cannot drive one mile within the metro area without running into a strip mall, a parking lot, a Starbucks, or a gaggle of Geese.

So the next time you feel outrage over the merciful killing of deer in Shawnee Mission Park, ask yourself why your every need and whim needs to be within a stones throw of your glass house.

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The Chiefs Train to Despair is Coming

We all know it’s coming. Around the corner, over the mountain, and down the tracks the Little Engine That Could, will not.  Citizens of Kansas City know this feeling all too well, where you just know deep in your core that your local sports team will fail. The Kansas City Chiefs have been this surprising story all year. It’s kind of like finding a chicken nugget in your french fries. You’re not expecting it there, but you savor the quick morsel of free food you received, as if you “stole” one from Ray Kroc himself. And that aptly describes the Chiefs this year. This season has felt like that extra chicken nugget. At the beginning of the year, we were happy to savor football again. But then the Chiefs started winning. They were the nugget in the fries. Now, however, we can see what’s coming. We know the Chiefs are going to miss the playoffs. We know they are going to upset our stomachs like that extra chicken nugget did. We know they are going to be the catalyst of a historically significant dump. When, at the end of the day, we should just be happy that we were able to get a meal.

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Can the Royals ever win the World Series again?

Maybe the better question would be: Can the Kansas City Royals ever make the playoffs again?  Or better yet, can the Kansas City Royals ever be a .500 team again?

1985 was such a glorious time.  By 1985, the 80′s were archiving moments in music and fashion that, years later, would lead us to proclaim: “What the hell were we thinking?” The 50′s had this new great thing called Rock and Roll and all of those automotive icons that symbolized a growing America.  The 60′s had free love, and really great drugs, and music that defined a growing unrest while at the same time brought people together.  The 70′s brought us bell bottom jeans and disco.  Then comes the 80′s.  The impossibly ridiculous decade.  It seems like EVERYTHING about the 80′s was at best comical and at worst completely idiotic.  Which brings us back to the Royals.

It seems appropriate now that the Kansas City Royals won their only world championship in a decade defined by things that “Made No Sense.” Parachute pants. Members Only jackets. A Flock of Seagulls. Men wearing earrings.  Soccer mullets.

So can they do it again? Well, they have Wal-Mart money backing them up, which means our players are Made in China with cheap labor and cheap materials. Comparing the Royals to a real baseball team is like buying a pair of jeans at Wal-Mart.  It may say Levi’s on the label, but we all know they are really not Levi’s.

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Thanks for dropping in to this Kansas City guano blog.

Welcome to randomguano.    You may be asking yourself, what exactly is randomguano?  Well, think about it for a minute.

Anyway, randomguano originates from the Kansas City area. Based on geographical location, we are theoretically right in the middle of the guanostorm that swirls around us, much like the tornadoes that blow through here on occasion.  And by guanostorm, we mean this wonderful, unpredictable world we call “Everything”.

So you may come to this Kansas City blog someday and read about dogs, or home grown tomatoes, or vinyl replacement windows, or which tree is better for shade, the oak or the maple, or if spreadsheets are really important, or Kansas City professional sports. (which, incidentally, is kind of an oxymoron right now)

So you never know what you will see here. Which is a good thing, because neither do we.

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